I wouldn't say I am depressed but I have been thinking about how much my life has changed! Having Cooper was the greatest thing to have ever happened to me but nothing anyone told me could ever have prepared me for this! John continues to tell me I need to be medicated because I tend to get really stressed out about things and when Cooper cries, which I am lucky because it is not that often. I have been replacing pictures of my life BC (before Cooper or Chaos) with pictures of now. As I stare at the old ones my BC life flashes before me and I am reminded of all the things I miss dearly....
I love being on a schedule but my life consists of the exact same thing everyday ..Feeding/changing/bathing/rocking/pleasing in anyway a baby. I run the dishwasher and do laundry at least 2 times a day. When I was working I wanted to be home so bad to do things for myself now I want to do things for myself so bad again. If he sleeps I feel lucky to be able to shower and brush my teeth. I miss working and interacting with other adults (if nothing else just to have someone to bitch to)!
I miss sleeping in! I loved sleeping in BC. John is wonderful to do Cooper duty on the weekends so I can sleep in but it is nothing like really sleeping in...I still wake up to every little sound he makes wondering if he is ok or if I need to get up to do something.
I miss what I used to look like. In June we will be married 2 years and this week 3 years ago I went on vacation with John and his family. His family is on the annual vacation without us so I reminisce through old pictures. I look nothing like I did 3 years ago or even when we were married. I never thought that appearances would bother me but it haunts me everyday. My body will never look the same no matter what I try. I have stretched marks everywhere you can imagine! I don't think I can ever wear a normal bathing suit again that will not show them! I once had nice looking legs now they are covered in a million little scars from the PUPPS I had when I was pregnant, I thought that they would fade away??!! I have pretty bad acne, which I have never had even a little zit in my life! My back is covered with zits and scars from pregnancy acne. I am losing the baby weight slowly everyday but I still cannot fit in a lot of the things that I used to be able to that I love and refuse to get rid of. Will I ever be able to wear them again or will they ever fit right again?
I miss just doing what we want....we cannot go to a movie like we used to or anywhere without our little man. John and I had a lot of fun when it was just the two of us but did we not do enough of the things we loved BC? Everything we do now we have to center it around Cooper. Make sure he is changed, eats before, and is sleeping. Or if we go somewhere and he gets fussy then our trip is cut short.
I am a lot older than my mom was when she had me and even my brother but I really have a new found respect for her. How did she work full time, take care of a 2 year old and newborn, and do everything around the house when she was only 22? She is the most amazing woman and mother I have ever met! There is no way I will ever be able to live up to that!
Now that I have let out all my sorrow (thank god for a blog so I have some type of release) I can get on with my day. As I sit here typing and looking at my sweet baby boy sleeping I cannot imagine my life without him. He is amazing and the greatest, hardest gift I could ever receive. It will be so hard for me to return to work without him during the day.
Just like everyone says your life will never be the same but my life has so much more meaning and joy in it! No one said it would be easy or that I would not miss the little things.
